THE ECHIUMS OF ST KEW (AND OTHER MINOR INCONVENIENCES) 

1940. Operation Sea Lion is ready. Berlin's finest agents are in position. Nobody told the locals.

THE STORY: OPERATION PADDLECOURT

It is Autumn 1940 on the rugged coast of North Cornwall. While Berlin's high command obsesses over the invasion of Britain, an unlikely cell of undercover operatives—known locally as The Polzeath Massive—uncovers a far juicier secret right on their doorstep.

Down a leafy lane near St Kew lives Lady Henrietta Paddlecourt, an eccentric aristocrat of impeccably high birth who owns a quiet country estate—and who happens to be entertaining a certain cigar-smoking Prime Minister on strictly unscheduled weekend visits.

Recognizing that an autumn Channel crossing might be delayed by rough weather, Spitfires from Davidstow, or a distinct shortage of invasion barges, the Polzeath Massive devise a daring contingency plan: Operation Paddlecourt. Should the invasion stall, they will intercept Winston Churchill during a moonlit tryst at St Kew, bundle him down to the beach at Daymer Bay, and row him out in a dinghy to a waiting U-boat off Doom Bar—while MI5 and the sharp-eyed locals scramble to foil the abduction without causing a national scandal.

THE BOOK & THE FILM

THE BOOK "The Echiums of St Kew (And Other Minor Inconveniences)" is a comedic wartime espionage caper blending authentic North Cornish geography—from the cliffs of Pentire and Daymer Bay to the lanes of St Kew and Wadebridge—with classic British farce. Between tending giant Echiums, dodging Zeph the sentry hound, and keeping their slippers dry, the operatives discover that running a covert network in a Cornish village where everyone knows everyone's business is far harder than Berlin anticipated.

THE FILM & REGAL CINEMA PREMIERE Following the book comes the big-screen adaptation, launching with a special Gala Premiere at the Regal Cinema in Wadebridge. Starring the Polzeath Massive (with a dream cast led by Olivia Colman, Mark Rylance, Matt Berry, Jodie Comer, Bill Nighy, Kristin Scott Thomas, Phoebe Waller-Bridge, and Martin Freeman), the premiere evening celebrates North Cornwall's film and community spirit. Every gala ticket holder receives a complimentary commemorative deck of playing cards to play the official tie-in game at the pub, or around the supper table.

THE PREMIERE CARD GAME: HOW TO PLAY

Designed specifically to be played with a standard pack of playing cards and zero extra equipment, "The Echiums of St Kew" card game pits undercover Polzeath Massive Spies against MI5 Officers and bluffing local Civilians.

PLAYERS: 5 to 6 (easily adaptable for 4 to 8) EQUIPMENT: One standard 52-card pack of playing cards (plus Jokers) PLAYING TIME: 10 minutes per hand

THE OBJECTIVE Nobody starts the game on a fixed team—you build your secret identity by trading cards around the table while watching everyone else's body language and listening to their innocent garden chatter. Will you risk chasing the scarce cards needed to become a high-scoring Polzeath Massive Spy, play it safe as an MI5 Officer guarding Lady Henrietta's estate, take a last-second gamble on the Dead Drop, or get caught out as a harmless local Civilian?

1. THE DECK SETUP

• For 5 Players (18 cards total): Take 8 Red Picture/Ace cards, 6 Black Picture/Ace cards (remove the two Black Jacks), 2 Jokers, and 2 Number cards. Deal 3 cards face-down to each player (15 cards), leaving 3 cards face-down in the middle as the Dead Drop Pack.

• For 6 Players (21 cards total): Add three more Number cards to the mix above so 18 cards are dealt out (3 to each player), still leaving 3 cards face-down in the middle as the Dead Drop Pack.

• Look at your 3 cards and keep them strictly secret!

2. YOUR SECRET ALLEGIANCE 

At the end of the trading rounds, your final 3 cards determine who you really are:

• POLZEATH MASSIVE SPY (3 Black Cards — High Risk, High Reward): You are part of the St Kew abduction team preparing the rowing boat at Daymer Bay.

• MI5 OFFICER (3 Red Cards — Safer Cover, Steady Points): You are British Intelligence guarding Lady Henrietta's estate and keeping Churchill safe.

• HARMLESS CIVILIAN (Any mix of Red and Black, or holding a Joker or Number card): You are just an innocent St Kew gardener or Wadebridge local caught in the crossfire. You cannot win the hand—so your job is to bluff and confuse everyone else!

3. THE THREE EXCHANGE ROUNDS

• Round 1 (Clockwise Pass): Everyone picks 1 unwanted card, places it face-down, and slides it 1 seat to their left at the exact same time while speaking one line of innocent local chatter (for example: "The oars are freshly greased down at Daymer Bay," "Lady Henrietta's Echiums are blooming late," or "The slugs are terrible in St Kew"). Pick up your new card.

• Round 2 (Counter-Clockwise Pass): Everyone places 1 unwanted card face-down and slides it 1 seat to their right, again with a line of innocent chatter

• Round 3 (Optional Across-the-Table Swap): If you are happy with your hand, announce: "My slippers are dry—I'm staying put," and keep all 3 cards. Anyone who still wants to trade holds 1 face-down card in the center and swaps with another willing player across the table.

4. THE DEAD DROP GAMBLE (OPTIONAL FINAL MOVE) 

Right after Round 3 ends—and just before the Call Point—anyone unhappy with their hand may take one last risk:

• Going clockwise from the Host, you may declare: "I'm checking the Dead Drop at St Kew!"

• Place 1 unwanted card from your hand face-down onto the bottom of the Dead Drop Pack, and draw the top card blindly to replace it.

• You can only do this once per hand, and once the 3 cards in the Dead Drop Pack have been drawn, the drop is empty!

5. THE CALL POINT (THE ROUNDTABLE) 

Once the Dead Drop Gamble finishes, the Host knocks the Beethoven Fifth rhythm (dit-dit-dit-dah) on the table. All hands freeze!

• Take 60 seconds to debate, accuse, defend yourself, or claim you are just tending Lady Henrietta's borders (and watch closely to see who risked checking the Dead Drop!).

• On the count of three ("One, two, three—POINT!"), everyone simultaneously points at ONE person at the table whom they believe holds the exact same allegiance as them (Spy pointing at Spy, or MI5 pointing at MI5).

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6. REVEAL & SCORING Everyone turns their 3 cards face-up:

• Polzeath Massive Spies (3 Black):

• • 3 Points just for pulling off a risky 3-Black Spy hand.

  • +3 Bonus Points if you correctly pointed at a fellow Spy (6 points total—Churchill is in the dinghy!).

  • -1 Point if you pointed at an MI5 Officer or Civilian.

• MI5 Officers (3 Red):

• • 1 Point for completing a 3-Red MI5 hand.

  • +2 Bonus Points if you correctly pointed at a fellow MI5 Officer (3 points total—the Prime Minister's weekend tryst stays secret!).

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  • -1 Point if you pointed at a Spy or Civilian.

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• Harmless Civilians (Mixed Red/Black or holding a Joker or Number card):

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  • 0 Points—EXCEPT if you successfully bluffed a Spy or MI5 Officer into pointing at you, in which case you steal 1 Point from them!

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Play three hands; whoever has the highest total score wins!

EXAMPLE ROUND 2: 6 OPERATIVES (BILL, LIAM, JANE, TONY, BECKY, AND DAISY) Seated clockwise around the table: Bill -> Liam -> Jane -> Tony -> Becky -> Daisy -> (back to Bill).

THE DEAL Deal 3 cards face-down to each of the 6 players (18 cards), leaving 3 face-down cards in the center as the Dead Drop Pack at St Kew:

• Bill: 1 Black, 1 Red, 1 Number card (Needs to ditch the Number card fast and pick a side).

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• Liam: 2 Black, 1 Red (Decides to risk going for a high-scoring Polzeath Massive Spy hand).

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• Jane: 1 Black, 1 Red, 1 Joker (Stuck with Zeph the Joker—she needs to pass him along immediately).

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• Tony: 2 Red, 1 Number card (Plays it safe and aims for an MI5 Officer hand protecting Lady Henrietta's estate).

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• Becky: 2 Black, 1 Red (Also chasing a risky Spy hand—meaning she and Liam are competing for Black cards).

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• Daisy: 2 Red, 1 Black (Aiming for a safe MI5 Officer hand).

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ROUND 1 (EVERYONE PASSES 1 CARD CLOCKWISE) Everyone places 1 unwanted card face-down and slides it 1 seat to their left at the same time:

• Bill passes his Number card to Liam ("The tide is turning fast at Daymer Bay").

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• Liam passes his unwanted Red card to Jane ("I've brought an extra flask of tea for the rowboat").

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• Jane dumps her Joker onto Tony ("Mind Zeph doesn't eat your slippers"). Tony's MI5 plan hits a snag!

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• Tony passes his Number card to Becky ("Lady Henrietta's hydrangeas are thriving").

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• Becky passes her unwanted Red card to Daisy ("The mist is rolling in over St Kew"). Daisy now holds 3 Red MI5 cards!

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• Daisy passes her unwanted Black card to Bill ("Fresh lettuces from the garden"). Result after Round 1: Daisy already has 3 Red MI5 cards! Bill holds 2 Black & 1 Red, Liam holds 2 Black & 1 Number, Jane holds 2 Red & 1 Black, Tony holds 2 Red & the Joker, and Becky holds 2 Black & 1 Number.

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ROUND 2 (EVERYONE PASSES 1 CARD COUNTER-CLOCKWISE) Everyone places 1 unwanted card face-down and slides it 1 seat to their right:

• Bill passes his unwanted Red card back to Daisy ("Lovely weather for a coastal walk").

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• Daisy has to pass one of her Red cards to Becky to keep the circle moving, hoping to get one back later.

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• Becky dumps her Number card onto Tony ("Watch the potholes on the St Kew lane").

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• Tony finally offloads the Joker onto Jane ("I left the garden gate unlatched").

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• Jane passes her unwanted Black card to Liam ("The Echiums are six feet tall now"). Liam now holds 3 Black Spy cards!

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• Liam dumps his Number card onto Bill ("Quiet night down by the estuary"). Result after Round 2: Liam has 3 Black Spy cards! Bill holds 2 Black & 1 Number, Jane holds 2 Red & the Joker, Tony holds 2 Red & 1 Number, Becky holds 2 Black & 1 Red, and Daisy holds 2 Red & 1 Red... wait—Daisy still holds 3 Red MI5 cards!

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ROUND 3 (OPTIONAL ACROSS-THE-TABLE SWAP) Now anyone happy with their hand says, "My slippers are dry—I'm staying put," while anyone else can offer a face-down swap across the table:

• Liam (holding 3 Black Spy cards) and Daisy (holding 3 Red MI5 cards) both announce: "My slippers are dry—I'm staying put," locking in their winning hands!

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• Bill (holding 2 Black & 1 Number) makes eye contact with Becky (holding 2 Black & 1 Red). Both think the other might have a Black card to spare, so they swap across the table—Bill slides his Number card to Becky, and Becky slides her Red card to Bill! Neither gets what they hoped for.

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• Jane (stuck with the Joker) and Tony (holding 2 Red & 1 Number) decide not to swap with each other, saving their luck for the Dead Drop.

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THE DEAD DROP GAMBLE (THE LAST-SECOND LIFELINE) Before you knock the Beethoven rhythm, anyone unhappy with their hand can risk drawing from the 3-card Dead Drop Pack in the middle:

• Bill goes first and announces: "I'm checking the Dead Drop at St Kew!" He puts his unwanted Red card on the bottom of the pack and draws the top card blindly. It's a Black King! Bill keeps a completely straight face, having just pulled off a last-second 3-Black Spy hand!

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• Jane goes next: "I'm checking the Dead Drop!" She buries the Joker on the bottom of the pack and draws the top card—it's a Red Queen! She now holds 3 Red MI5 cards!

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• Tony decides not to risk it (knowing Jane just buried something nasty in the Dead Drop) and stays put as a Civilian.

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THE CALL POINT & REVEAL You knock the Beethoven Fifth rhythm (dit-dit-dit-dah) on the table. Hands freeze!

• For 60 seconds, everyone debates: Tony tries to convince everyone that Bill drew the Joker from the Dead Drop, while Daisy and Jane quietly size each other up across the table.

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• On "One, two, three—POINT!" everyone points at one teammate:

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  • Bill and Liam both point at each other (correctly spotting their fellow Polzeath Massive Spy!).

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  • Daisy and Jane both point at each other (correctly identifying their fellow MI5 Officer!).

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  • Becky and Tony (both stuck as Civilians) point at Bill, hoping to throw him off.

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THE SCORING Everyone flips their 3 cards face-up:

• Bill & Liam reveal 3 Black cards each: Both are Polzeath Massive Spies! Each gets 3 points for their risky Spy hand + 3 bonus points for finding their fellow Spy = 6 points each (Operation Paddlecourt is a go—Churchill is headed for the U-boat!).

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• Daisy & Jane reveal 3 Red cards each: Both are MI5 Officers! Each gets 1 point for their hand + 2 bonus points for finding their fellow Officer = 3 points each.

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• Becky & Tony reveal mixed hands: Both are Harmless Civilians and score 0 points (though they get full credit for trying to pin the Joker on Bill!).

COMING SOON TO A SAFE HOUSE NEAR YOU...

"THE ECHIUMS OF ST KEW" (And Other Minor Inconveniences)

Tagline: 1940. Operation Sea Lion is ready. Berlin's finest agents are in position. Nobody told the locals.

THE POSTER SCENE: A dramatic, vintage 1940s-style wartime cinema illustration overlooking the rugged cliffs of Pentire Point and the Camel Estuary at dusk. In the foreground, towering 12-foot blue Echium spikes act as disguised radio antennas and secret drop-zone markers, flanked by Zeph the sentry hound standing guard over a suspiciously well-crafted wooden planter and a pair of indoor slippers. Along the clifftop path, Balmy Bill and Sam peer through binoculars over an unfurled tithe map while a squad of determined ladies from RNAS Treligga patrol the skies overhead. Down by the bay, Tony juggles bottles behind an outdoor bar while Becky "The Lettuce Runner" sprints past a queue of attentive rabbits, and Becky "Long Legs" signals toward Falmouth as Leigh cheerfully hammers together a "garden shed" in the background. Meanwhile, Jane and Liam stand silhouetted in the glowing doorway of their Wadebridge headquarters, teacups in hand, waiting for the Beethoven knock.

STARRING THE POLZEATH MASSIVE: JANE as The Spymaster of Wadebridge LIAM as The Camel Estuary Watcher BALMY BILL as The Cliff-Surveying Historian SAM as The Pentire Reconnaissance Chief TONY as The Bottle-Spinning Barman BECKY as The Lettuce-Running Cryptographer BECKY LONG LEGS as The Falmouth & New Polzeath Operative LEIGH as The Unsuspecting Master Carpenter and ZEPH as Himself

Directed by High Command (Pending Channel Weather) Filmed on location in Wadebridge, Polzeath, Daymer Bay & RNAS Treligga

"A triumph of horticultural espionage." — The St Kew Gazette "Five stars—and three packets of Echium seed." — MI5 Listening Van #4

Thanks to General Waste for his help in the making of this film. 

THE ECHIUMS OF ST KEW (AND OTHER MINOR INCONVENIENCES)

 Complete Chapter-by-Chapter Outline

CHAPTER 1: SLIPPERS AT THE DOOR Autumn 1940. On the windswept cliffs above Polzeath and Daymer Bay, an unusually well-spoken group of local residents—known locally as The Polzeath Massive—are quietly awaiting orders from Berlin for Operation Sea Lion. Their cover is impeccable: tending giant blue Echiums, running errands with bags of fresh lettuces, and taking coastal walks. The only snag is Zeph, an enormous black sentry hound who refuses to let anyone leave the safe house without a cheese bribe, and a pair of leather slippers that keep giving away who is actually inside.

CHAPTER 2: THE BEETHOVEN BRIEFING Inside Safe House St Kew (run with deceptive hospitality by Liam and Jane), the Massive gather around the supper table. Three sharp knocks and one long one—the Beethoven Fifth rhythm—signal an incoming coded transmission from the wireless hidden behind the carpentry shed. Berlin admits the Channel barges are delayed by autumn gales and Spitfires patrolling out of RNAS Treligga. The cell is told to sit tight and blend in—which immediately sparks a heated argument over whose turn it is to weed the vegetable patch.

CHAPTER 3: THE SECRET OF ST KEW While scouting the back lanes around St Kew under the guise of checking slug traps, Bill and Becky stumble upon a heavily guarded, high-walled country estate belonging to Lady Henrietta Paddlecourt—an eccentric, impeccably well-connected aristocrat. Through binoculars from the hedgerow, they spot an unmistakable figure smoking a Havana cigar on the terrace: Winston Churchill, slipping away from Whitehall for a strictly unscheduled weekend tryst.

CHAPTER 4: OPERATION PADDLECOURT Realizing that a stalled invasion leaves them with time on their hands, the Polzeath Massive hatch a wildly ambitious Plan B: Operation Paddlecourt. Instead of waiting for German troops to land, they will kidnap the Prime Minister during his next moonlit visit to Lady Henrietta's estate, smuggle him down the lanes to Daymer Bay, and row him out in a wooden dinghy to a waiting U-boat off Doom Bar.

CHAPTER 5: CHARADES NIGHT AT THE OYSTER CATCHER To plan the abduction without alerting the local Home Guard or the sharp-eyed Wrens from RNAS Treligga, the Massive hold a "Charades Night" in the back room of the pub. Every clue has to be mimed in total silence—resulting in Tony nearly dislocating his shoulder trying to act out "U-boat off Brea Hill" while everyone else guesses "badly cooked mackerel." Meanwhile, an unassuming visitor at the bar takes far too much interest in their charades.

CHAPTER 6: GREASING THE OARS AT DAYMER BAY Preparations get underway. Leigh the Carpenter works overtime repairing a leaky clinker-built rowing boat in his shed, disguised as a chicken coop, while Becky runs decoy trips with baskets of lettuces to distract the coastguard. Meanwhile, a polite stranger claiming to be a botanical inspector from Kew Gardens arrives in Polzeath asking suspiciously specific questions about the height of the St Kew Echiums.

CHAPTER 7: THE BUGGED DINING ROOM MI5 has arrived. The "botanical inspector" and his sharp-witted partner from Whitehall have infiltrated the village, bugging the dining room at Safe House St Kew. Over an agonizingly polite supper, both sides speak entirely in double-entendres about "frost warnings," "tall Echiums," and "turning tides"—each trying to figure out who at the table is an enemy agent and who is just an innocent local gardener.

CHAPTER 8: THE DEAD DROP AT THE RECYCLING BIN A crucial coded timetable detailing Churchill's arrival at Lady Henrietta's estate is hidden in a dead drop near the village lane—only for the local collection cart to nearly haul it away when someone leaves the food recycling bin out on the wrong morning. A chaotic chase ensues through the lanes of St Kew involving a runaway bicycle, Zeph the hound, and three separate people pretending to look for a lost contact lens.

CHAPTER 9: MOONLIGHT OVER DOOM BAR The night of Operation Paddlecourt arrives. Under a thick Cornish sea mist, the Polzeath Massive creep onto Lady Henrietta's estate—only to find that Lady Henrietta herself is not remotely intimidated by German spies, greeting them on the terrace with a shotgun and a glass of sherry, while Churchill calmly assumes they are the new catering staff from Fee Turner at Rock.

CHAPTER 10: THE ROWBOAT & THE U-BOAT Down at Daymer Bay, the plan unravels in glorious farce. The tide is out, the rowing boat is heavier than expected, Zeph refuses to get in without half a cheddar, and the waiting U-boat surfaces just as a squadron of Spitfires from Treligga roars overhead. Before a single shot can be fired, MI5 closes in on the beach—only for everyone to agree that if Whitehall ever finds out how close the Prime Minister came to being rowed to Germany, they will all be posted to the Hebrides.

EPILOGUE: CURTAIN UP AT THE REGAL A truce is struck over pasties and pints in Wadebridge: Operation Paddlecourt is officially erased from the war records as "a minor botanical misunderstanding," the Polzeath Massive return to tending their Echiums, and the whole town turns out for a celebratory evening at the Regal Cinema.